The Ultimate Survival Guide
by Jammeke
Summary: Trying to keep a specific person alive is much more troublesome than Edward would have believed. But that's probably just because it's Bella. To what lenghts would he go to keep her out of harm's way? You are about to find out.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **The Ultimate Survival Guide

**Disclaimer: **Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I am merely taking the characters out for a stroll.

**Summary: **Trying to keep a specific person alive is much more troublesome than Edward would have believed. But that's probably just because it's Bella. To what lenghts would he go to keep her out of harm's way?

**The Ultimate Survival Guide **

**1. You may not drive when the road is **

a. slippery.

b. wet

c. blocked

d. not there.

_I didn't particularly care for the time you missed the detraction to my house and decided to take a 'short cut' through the bushes._

_- The thinning of the forest is a wasteful process; you shouldn't be a part of it. _

**2. You are **_**not**_** to cross the street without a tool that helps you keep your balance**

You have the following options:

a. cane

b. stick

c. walking frame

_- Billy's wheelchair is off-limits._

**3. Do not pay (secret) visits to the Quileute Tribe**

_- I know you think they are nothing but cute, friendly animals. It does not make for a strong point. You would find a way to turn Teddy Bears lethal. _

**4. Don't trip**

There is no valid excuse for you to lose your footing.

_- Except my dazzling you. And banana peels. _

**5. Do not lean out of your window**

_- Tumbling down in eagerness each night, does not make me arrive any faster. _

**6. You are not to wander off alone at dark**

Two categories can be listed as prohibited:

1. searching for trouble deliberately

2. running into trouble unsuspectingly

_- Neither option is forgivable. Option 1 is less forgivable. _

**7. Objects to be avoided are **

a. rackets

b. balls

c. bats

d. electric chairs

_- Most of these objects can be found in the gym. Therefore, skipping gym classes would be a wise decision. _

**8. Don't underestimate my self-control**

You are not to open your mouth while I am kissing you.

_- I mean it. _

Any activity that involves taking off our clothes is out of the question as well.

* Exceptions for you would be:

a. the shower

b. the changing room

c. the beach

d. doctor's orders

**9. Regarding injuries at my family's house: **

a. bruises are preferable to blood

b. perfect health is preferable to anything

_- Option b does not necessarily require my family's presence. _

**10. Things to carry with you at all times:**

a. cell phone

b. pepper spray (make sure to get it out of its package, first)

c. EpiPen

d. First Aid Kit

e. my heart

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Thanks for the reviews for chapter 1.

**The Ultimate Survival Guide**

**11. There will be no driving motorcycles**

An exception will me made if you are wearing:

**a.** a helmet

**b.** a leather jacket

**c.** full body armour

**12. Do not fall into the ocean**

Invalid excuses include

**a.** cliff-diving

**b.** not being careful

_- Or a combination of the two. _

**13. Don't run with sharp objects **

**a.** for obvious reasons

**b. **in fact, it would be wise not to run at all

**14. Don't run with a lollipop in your mouth**

_- You will stumble, fall down and undoubtedly lodge the lolly in your throat by doing so. _

**15. Don't draw a lethal vampire's attention to you on purpose**

* Trying to save the lives of others is not a valid excuse.

* The idea of you single-handedly defeating a vampire is laughable.

* Any plan that involves you dying is objectionable.

**16. Refrain from sticking knifes in the toaster**

**17. Don't wander through the woods by yourself**

_- Who would bandage you if you were to hurt yourself again?_

**18. Don't ever let your guard down around me**

_- I know you think you can trust me, but I am not quite so convinced of my self-control._

Actions to avoid:

**a.** exposing your throat

**b.** injuring yourself

**c.** seducing me

**19. Don't play with fire**

**a.** literally

**b.** and figuratively

_- I have thrown all of your candles out of the window, with good reason. Don't go down to get them._

**20. Stop asking every vampire you encounter to change you **

They will not be as concerned about your well-being as my family.

**a.** re-read number 15; option three

**b. **you _will_ get yourself killed

_- If you ask to be changed one more time, I'll be pulling my brains out through my nostrils. _

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Thanks for the reviews for chapter 2.

**The Ultimate Survival Guide**

**21. You are not to get run over by the following vehicles:**

**a.** vans

**b. **buses

**c.** cars

**d.** bikes

**e.** trains

**f.** tanks

**g.** wheelchairs

You are also not allowed to come within a ten-meter radius of either of them, unless you are driving the vehicle yourself.

_- Tanks are off-limits, though. _

**22. There will be no unsupervised swimming **

The sea is a force of nature to be reckoned with; especially for people like you.

_- Taking a bath is discussable. _

**23. I do not wish to see you with the following:**

**a.** alcohol

**b.** drugs

**c.** cigarettes

_– I'd prefer we enjoy your relatively short life for as long as possible. _

**24. You are to eat at least 2000 calories a day**

_- Eating is a necessary procedure for you to keep up your strength. _

The amount of calories is not open for discussion.

**25. Hitting werewolves/vampires/shape-shifters/etc. is prohibited**

_- I would like to keep your breaking bones to a minimum. _

There is, of course, an exception to every rule:

a. Jacob Black

_- Use a bat. __Or a boxing glove. _

**26. Do not get your stereo out of your car with your bare hands**

_- It's a miracle I didn't smell the bloody mess you made last time from halfway across the world. _

**27. Keep reading to a minimum**

Paper cuts are to be avoided at all costs; sacrifices have to be made.

**28. Do not go out looking for me when I am hunting with my family**

a. I find the idea of my considering you as a possible meal to be condemnable.

b. We tend to hunt half-way across the country and I don't even want to _think_ about what you dangers you would find on the way.

c. You need your bed-rest.

d. You need all your body-parts intact.

**29. Extreme sports are out of the question**

As in anything that might cause you harm. Within reason, that is.

_- I'll be the one to decide what is reasonable, and what is not. I thought I'd clarify that for you, to avoid regrettable misunderstandings. _

**30. Swallow the following insects is entirely out of the question:**

**a.** bees

**b. **mosquitoes

**c.** hornets

_- Your succumbing to a vampire bite would be horrifying; a deathly insect's bite would be so ironic it could be considered funny. _

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **Thanks for the encouraging reviews.

**The Ultimate Survival Guide**

**31. Do not die**

**a.** Reckless behaviour will not be tolerated.

**b.** No matter the situation.

_- You are not to stop breathing. _

**32. Hiking requires a good pair of shoes**

_- Call me idealistic, but I consider reaching our meadow without your breaking a leg - or on a more optimistic note: twisting an ankle - a reasonable goal. _

**33. Don't go near ventilators**

**a. **Your scent would drive any sane vampire insane

_- I'm rather attached to you._

**b.** There is no doubt in my mind that at least one of your body parts would end up in the sweeps.

**34. Stay away from newborns**

Definition of the word newborn: _a young and reckless vampire._

**a.** They do not deserve our compassion.

_- If we battle them, you are not to interfere. _

**b.** Laws agreed upon at the Geneva Convention do not apply to newborn vampires.

_- If any of these creatures had been present at the Geneva Convention, they would have tried to drink the blood of every single person in the room. _

**35. Wearing French Lingerie is prohibited **

**a.** It does not help your case any.

_- I'd rather you stop trying. This is not to say it __**would **__work if you were to keep wearing it. _

**36. Stick to a reasonable sound limit on your iPod.**

**a.** Your body is _not_ to get injured.

**b.** Ears are part of your body.

**c.** Loud music hurts your ears.

_- Draw your own conclusions._

**37. Beware of dogs**

Dogs are known to be loyal, but not all of them are tame.

* Many people in the VS got attacked by these animals in 2008. Twenty-three of these attacks were fatal.

**a.** All dogs are to be avoided.

_- And yes, this includes your werewolf friends. _

**38. Do not shock yourself with a defibrillator **

_- It would be just like you to think said object is a flat-iron and turn it on. _

To be on the safe side, flat-irons are off-limits as well.

_- Charlie is perfectly capable of ironing his own clothes. _

**39. Fast-food is to be avoided at all costs**

**a.** I will never forgive myself if you die because of cancer.

_- Read rule 31 for my sub-argument._

**b.** It is unhealthy - and you are one of the purest people I ever met.

**40. Do not lose any sleep over me**

_- I am serious, Bella._

**a.** I promise I will be with you every night.

**b.** I promise looking at me during the day-time is as interesting as it is during the late hours.

_- You are starting to look like a vampire yourself, what with the rings under your eyes. _

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **Hey guys, I'm sorry for the delay. Thanks for the amazing reviews. On a sadder note: this is the last chapter. I think even Edward would run out of things to say to Bella after a while. I know _I_ am at the moment. I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed over the past week; I really appreciate the support!

**The Ultimate Survival Guide **

**41. Do not even consider bringing down a plane**

Not even to test out the hypothetical situation I described for you.

_- You'll be fine, but it's hardly fair to the other passengers. _

**42. You are not to set a foot on ice**

**a.** Slipping is to be kept to a minimum.

**b. **You'd probably go right through and end up in freezing water.

_- I know you can swim, but I will not be able to warm you afterward, and that will annoy me to no end._

**43. Electrics are to be kept away from water**

_- I don't think this rule requires an explanation, but I just thought I'd remind you of the dangers._

**44. Always wear your jacket, except **

**a.** when it's warm

_- Which is hardly ever the case in Forks._

**b.** when you are wearing _my_ jacket

_- You do __**not **__require a space-heater._

**45. Refrain from insulting Rosalie as much as possible**

On purpose, or otherwise.

_- I know you're fighting a losing battle when it comes to my sister, but you've never seen her at her worst. I sincerely hope you never will. Hence the rule. _

**46. There will be no arm-wrestling with Emmett, until you are an immortal yourself**

_- And you and I both know that that's never going to happen._

a. Just looking at Emmett makes it difficult to underestimate his strength. Still, proceed with caution, please.

b. Esme is rather attached to the furniture.

c. I'm rather attached to your arms.

**47. Stay away from the Volturi**

a. This includes running off to Italy to save _my_ life

_- Your life is so much more important, love._

b. Should they come to Forks, you are not to ask them to change you.

_- I know you well enough by now. _

c. We assume their powers have no effect on you, but for God's sake, don't put that assumption to a test.

**48. Wearing jewelry is to be limited to the time I spend with you **

We wouldn't want you strangling yourself with your necklace when I'm half-way across the country.

**49. Do **_**not**_** encounter a bear **

Since we are not living in Europe - where bees represent the most dangerous animals - you are to stay away from the wildlife _here_.

_- Also, we wouldn't want for Emmett to get jealous on you. _

**50. Do not lose this guide**

_- No matter the situation, you are not to leave this document at home. _

I also expect you to learn the book by heart.

There will be a repetition next week. I would very much like to give you a good grade, so be sure spend your nights _studying _instead of attempting to seduce your fiancee.

_- Love, _

_Edward_

THE END


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